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Posted on Friday, 19th December 2008 by dsiege

Dateline: Columbus. OH

 

By: Darren Siege

 

In what will be remembered as a watershed moment in world history, the state of Ohio declared Wednesday the state’s intent to leave the USA and re-join the United Kingdom.

 

“This decision has been coming for many years, and it’s amazing to know that in our lifetime it’s going to finally happen,” Larry Dattillo, spokesman for the state of Ohio told reporters at a town hall meeting in Defiance, OH.

 

Noting down-turning economic conditions and disagreements in policy trends in general, time had come for Ohio to think of its on future safety rather than the nation as a whole. Upon leaving the USA, the nation of Ohio will become the 14^th largest national economy in the world, gross domestic product-wise. This is expected to improve drastically, with Ohio having the luxury of being able to trade openly with the United States.

 

“Our GDP is roughly $470 billion, ranking us well in the top 20, worldwide,” said Dattillo, “with nearly 20% of the state industry in manufacturing and 15% in trade; we see the potential for immediate growth of up to 40%.”

 

 

Joining the United Kingdom was an obvious step. The British pound-sterling is one of the strongest, most stable currencies in the world. The UK also offers Ohio the chance to rule at home, while still participating in a larger, more influential body of government. Steps have already been taken to redraw US electoral districts into British-style Parliamentary regions. The state senate of Ohio will be transitioned into a parliament seeing all state senators transitioned to Members of Parliament. Governor Ted Strickland will continue in a similar role but changing his title to Prime Minister Strickland, Protector of the Realm. It should also be noted that Ohio State University football coach Jim Tressel will be the first person knighted by the Queen. Jim Tressel will be called Lord Kensington of Hilliard and Upper Arlington. Coach Tressel has already announced a preference for everyone to continue to call him “Coach Tressel,” or if anything else “Sir James.”

 

“We’ll have open elections for Parliament once everything settles after the transition,” said Dattillo, “once we change out all the flags and replace the photos of the President with pictures of the Queen in all government offices. All the banks should be in place to switch currency out well before February 1. There will be some minor changes in signage, holidays and government documents. Folks will also have to trade out their passports for British ones.”

 

Not everyone in Ohio is expecting a smooth transition. Janet Elsey, a school teacher from Shaker Heights, sees many other issues.

 

“Well, this is simply not going to be quick dusting and, boom, we’re British, said Elsey to Reuters, “we have to teach children “God Save the Queen,” there’s a new monetary system and a new flag they’ll be seeing, that’s just for starters. What about new phrases, like ‘drawing a bath’ rather than ‘taking a bath’? New ways to spell words, hey remember, honor, humor, color, they all have a ‘u’ in them in British English. Also, all computer keyboards will have to be switched out to ones with £-signs on them. Are we really trying to rush this through? We can’t just raise a Union Jack up the flagpole and start rooting for Leeds United and stuffing fish and chips in our mouths and say, ‘Welcome to the UK!’ We’ll be British subjects forever; I mean it’s not a fly-by-night nation like Guam or anything!”

 

Elsey’s concerns are well founded, but already under consideration by the Royal Council of Ohio Transferredness. The RCOT has agreements in place with several computer accessory manufacturers to provide keyboard exchanges following the transition.

 

“The hardest part will be laptops,” Jack Kuragawa from LG Electronics announced, “We’re confident that we can work things out with software manufacturers to help us out here.”

 

Many concerns have been expressed over the response and feelings from the United States. In the mid-19^th century the USA was engulfed by civil unrest resulting in open conflict during the “War Between the States.” Experts and beltway insiders in Washington, D.C. both feel that this go-around won’t be a problem.

 

“Times are different now than in 1861,” noted Political Science Professor Devin Rothgeb from Georgetown University, “we have enjoyed strong political ties with Great Britain over the last 150 years. We have bailed them out of two world wars. Now they are returning the favor by helping one of our own step up to nationhood. What amazing times we are living in.”

 

In fact, departing President Bush echoed these sentiments:

 

“It’s truly a great day for the nation of Ohio. I wish Prime Minister Strickland the best of luck. I feel disappointed at missing the chance to entertain him at the White House on State Visits. It is truly a great day for America for us now to have a strong ally so close to home.”

 

 

No word has yet to be announced regarding the status of gridiron-football in the nation of Ohio. It is believed that Ohio universities will still play gridiron-football, but that the NFL franchises will move to cities in the USA in favor of soccer clubs taking over and joining the English Premier League.

 

“They’re basically horrible,” sportscaster Dick Longworth of WXRN in Toledo stated, “Really there’s no redeeming value to having them in the state. The stadiums are lovely; just imagine when Chelsea or Liverpool gets out on the pitch against Cleveland FC or Cincinnati United. That’ll be a corker.”

 

Initial reports are that the border will be open to drive through, but you will need a passport to fly into Ohio. Interstate highways will begin to be close to provide more oversight on people moving from nation to nation. Customs will set up money exchange stations to help make travel safer and easier.

 

What does the future hold for the United States of America? Will more states leave, or is Ohio alone in its aspirations?

 

“We’ve heard that Maine is interested in joining the UK, and possibly Montana and the Dakotas as a large lump. Apparently Alabama is thinking about becoming part of Argentina. There was some talk of West Virginia, but those rumours were quickly dashed,” snickered Dattillo to room of laughing Ohioans.

Posted in Politics | Comments (0)

Posted on Sunday, 14th December 2008 by david

You all know how difficult it can be to see in the dark.  It is very important to change light bulbs as soon as they go out.  It can also become a security or health risk.  Imagine coming home to a dark house and tripping over a coffee table.  For just a few dollars you can avoid hundreds of dollars in hospital bills.

First, determine if the bulb is actually dead.  Check the light switch, lamp switch, and verify that the plug is connect to the wall.  Also make sure you do not have a whole house power outage.  This is easily tested by checking another lamp or television in the house (If you have a whole house outage, this will not help you, contact your local electric company.).

Second, check the circuit breaker box for a tripped breaker.  You will notice a tripped breaker when one breaker is going to opposite way of the other breakers in its row.  Please note, most breaker boxes have two rows.  With this type of box, you will want to make sure you are looking at the rows for the direction of the breakers that are on.  Don’t assume that one entire row is off just because it is flipped in the opposite direction of the other row.

Third, sounds like you need a new bulb if everything else checks out.  Verify the style and watt of the bulb you need to replace.  Once you verify that, make a trip to you local home store to pickup a new bulb.  It might also be a good idea to purchase a two pack so you have more bulbs in the future.  I keep a bin of extra light bulbs for many differnt lamps around the house.

Fourth, now to change that bulb.  Unplug the lamp cord from the wall.  Then remove the lamp shade from the lamp.  Please read owners manual on how to remove the lamp shade, this is not covered in this article.  Once the shade is removed, unscrew the light bulb by turning the bulb counter clockwise.  (Counter clockwise may not be familiar to many, since many people have never seen a wall clock.  With the new digital clocks, you have not come to understand the terms clockwise and counter clockwise.  Back in the olden days, clocks would hang on the wall.  They would have numerals starting with 12 at the top and then going to the right, 1, 2, 3, etc.  So we say clockwise when going to the right and counter clockwise when going to the left).  Once the bulb is removed, unpack the new bulb and screw in clockwise.  Do not over tighten or you could break the bulb.

Fifth and final, put the lamp shade back on and plug up the lamp.  Test the lamp and you should now have light.  If you do not, check the first few steps.  If they all check out, it is possible your lamp is dead and will need to be replaced.

I hope you enjoyed these instructions, we understand how challenging and scary it can be to do home repairs.  Good luck.

-David Lightman

Posted in Tech | Comments (0)

Posted on Saturday, 13th December 2008 by cguerrero

Dateline: Abu Dhabi, UAE

By: Chad Guerrero

Muhammad Shawnawaz expressed on Wednesday, ADUGI’s extreme “shock” at the purchase of Manchester City Football Club this past September 1. The UAE-based investment group purchased the football club from controversial owner and former Korean PM Thaksin Shinawatra for roughly £200 million, or about $300 million. Manchester City is considered one of the elite clubs in England boasting a large supporter following and a pedigree including two English First League Titles, two League Cup titles and four FA Cups. Man City is a perennial European Championship participant and has dominated in-city rivals Manchester United in recent years. In fact therein lays the problem.

“There are two teams in Manchester? Ridiculous, that’s impossible, we wouldn’t buy the wrong team!” said Mr. Shawnawaz in a heated press conference following the purchase, “The club is called Manchester City, that should be the team in the city of Manchester, right? Why would someone do something stupid like that? Name the club Manchester City, when the other team, the good team is called Manchester United? We bought the red team, right?”

But unfortunately, ADUGI did not purchase Manchester United; they did indeed buy Manchester City. Supporters from all of greater Manchester bemoaned the error.

“Mistakes like this happen all the time, anywhere,” said Evan Lockley, lifelong Manchester United supporter, “Billionaires are constantly buying the wrong football club or nation or skyscrapers in Montreal instead of Malaysia, and it’s a simple mistake. Like when I call my wife by the name of my girlfriend. Billionaires are regular people, too.”

That sentiment seemed to permeate all of Manchester.

“We appreciate knowing the (Current Manchester United Owners) Glazer Family are sticking around,” continued Lockley, “or whatever bank or investment company the Glazer’s owe for the loans on United. Even with the economic downturn recently we supporters of United aren’t expecting to see ‘for sale’ signs out in front of (United stadium) Old Trafford, or signs announcing new condos to be built in place of the stadium. I think it’s a great idea to start deducting from the player’s salaries for bottled water and air conditioning. We regular folks have to pay for those luxuries, so why don’t they?”

Manchester City manager Mark Hughes was unavailable for comment, but it is expected that ADUGI will move forward with plans to sign world-class transfers once the January transfer window opens. The club has their sights set on making the club an international brand.

“What else can go wrong? Surely we have seen the extent of this error. I am shocked at this turn of events. We will be moving ahead with plans to sign Kaka, Ronaldo, Giuseppi Rossi and several others. I guess I’ll need to sell all those bright red sport coats and blazers I bought to wear to board meetings and press conferences,” said Shawnawaz.

After already reeling from the news that ADUGI had bought a soccer club and not an American NFL football club, Shawnawaz was at a loss to find a positive following the news that ADUGI had bought Man City and not Man United.

“The Chairman thought he was getting that team from Florida with the Dolphin on their helmets. His daughter thought that their uniforms were pretty, and she loves dolphins. This is disheartening to the entire company. He was planning on it being a birthday present for her, so I don’t know what we’ll do now,” Shawnawaz said in closing.

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